#3 months isn't the end of the world to wait for a doctors appointment

[springrls]

Being chronically ill sucks yearning sucks and being broke!

[tcpate1026-blog]

6 Months HOME

We waited for 3 Years and 2 months to Bring our boy home and now we have already hit the 6 month mark of him being on American soil. These last 6 months have flown by, a lot quicker than those while we were waiting.

Little did we know our world was going to be rocked when we brought our boy home. We knew that we were going to have challenges with all that comes from international adoption and were prepared for that. We weren't prepared for the emotional roller coaster March- August would hold.

Through all the emotional regulation challenges, attachment challenges, adjustment to a new culture, doctor appointments, week long trips to Albany and ATL, youth events, and a funeral, our God has been SO gracious and kind to us. All these things I listed were SO challenging and extremely HARD at times, but with God he gave us every ounce of strength to make it through. Through the Holy Spirit's comfort, and guidance he allowed us to grow closer as a family.

Micah never skipped a beat. He began to regulate his emotions, trust us, attach to us and us to him, he began to gain weight and has even grown 5 inches in these 6 months. He has gone from about 10 English words, to talking in full sentences. He isn't perfect but for the most part you can understand what he is saying. He does great on long road trips and sleeping in unfamiliar places. He is very go with the flow and we know that is just a blessing from God. He fits in our family just like God wants him too. Sometimes we forget he's only been here with us for 6 months. God has been so so kind to us. Micah is thriving and we are excited to keep watching him grow and learn new things.

Adoption is Hard, Messy, and sometimes real ugly, But thankfully it doesn't end there. There is so much beauty once you trudge through the HARD. God in his gracious character has made this story beautiful.

Here's to the next 6 months and many more as a family of 4!

In Christ,

Crystal, Trey, Jackson and Micah

[merakiui]

Oh my god I never thought Id see an alpha!scaramouche. Mera, hes been on my brain a lot recently because of the leaks I saw of him (nervous about what his new design is gonna be and what his animations are gonna be). Some more brainrot for omegaverse though ! Maybe a way you would find out about him being an alpha is that your suppresants don't get renewed on time so when you go to seek comfort from the wanderer you notice he seems a bit different around you. Theres just a little hint of brainrot, you'd do a better job at expanding on it than I possibly could <3

Omg he's been on my mind so much lately!! orz I miss brain rotting about him, so expect lots of mouchey thoughts. <3

(cw: yandere, omegaverse/abo, pregnancy, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, obsession)

As for the omegaverse brain rot, what if it's that one trope where Scara gets you pregnant by accident because you went into heat and he got overwhelmed by his instincts and the two of you end up fucking without protection? And he's so close to biting your neck and claiming you as his for all of eternity, but he miraculously holds back and just,,,, sinks his teeth into his arm instead!!! And now the both of you are sort of stuck together after the pregnancy test comes back positive some time later. You're so ashamed that you've burdened Scara with this and you apologize profusely while he just stares at the test, half-expecting a joke or a mistake or something. You tell him you'll deal with this yourself and you suggest getting rid of the baby since you can't afford the resources or the time needed to care for a child. You're in your final year of university. You have to focus on your degree, not a child, and you don't want to bother Scara with any of your problems.

Scara has this moment of internal panic when he hears you say that because he actually doesn't want you to do any of that. He can't explain why, but the idea of you getting rid of the baby makes him feel oddly uncomfortable. So, since he's a very well-off alpha with a stable and respectable job, he moves you into his penthouse. He says it's only to keep you safe. Omegas are already vulnerable enough, but one that's pregnant and emits the sweetest pheromones?! That's just asking for conflict. Scara promises he'll schedule an appointment with an ob-gyn (hmm maybe it's alpha albedo ooohhhh), but he waits a while. He'd prefer to keep this between you and him (the last thing he needs is Miko breathing down his neck if she finds out; and she'll no doubt tell Ei and then he'll really be in hot water). He'll have the family doctor come in to see you. You won't even have to leave his home, save for when you travel to uni.

Scara's almost never home. And for the first few months, it feels like he just doesn't care about you, which isn't too terrible because it allows you to do all the things you'd normally do regardless of this new arrangement. But Scara is so cold and distant, almost always in a foul mood when he's home, and you begin to wonder if this was a good idea. But while you stew over your doubt, Scara's been watching you through the cameras in his home while he's at work. You're so precious when you're oblivious, and he's given an immense serotonin boost when he watches you crawl into his bed and wrap yourself up in the blankets, most likely to surround yourself with his scent.

There are just a few concerning issues. One: You're still attending university and he can't always follow you to and from your school. Two: Your friends are always messaging your phone. He'd know because he's had a colleague he's acquainted with tap into your phone so that he can read every message as soon as you receive it. You haven't told them anything yet, which is a relief because he wants to make you disappear from the world so that it'll be you, him, and the adorable baby growing inside you. You don't need those fools anyway. And three: You don't actually like him. There's no love. You're just here because he told you he'd take responsibility.

But when your friends insist on meeting up with you, claiming that you never go out anymore, it really gnaws on Scara's patience. And when you get into heated arguments with him when he refuses to let you go outside for fresh air, of all things, and he has to calm himself down because he doesn't want his temper or the intense amount of pheromones he's releasing to stress you and the baby out, it just adds more fuel to the growing fire. You only need him. Why can't you realize that? That's what you told him while he was fucking you all those months ago. So why does it feel like you can function perfectly fine without him (save for those little moments when you get weepy and melancholic, yearning for an alpha's presence)? He'll make sure you'll depend on him soon enough.

After all, he'll be the only one in your life. There won't be anyone else to turn to. You'll have no choice but to accept him and this life, even if you think you can leave after you've given birth to Scara's child. There's no way he's letting you go now, not when he's fallen so deep into this obsession.

[letterstoleia]

Thought I'd take a minute to answer the most asked questions I get about my brain surgery. I was diagnosed in Feb 2020 from MRI I had done that month. The ER doctor who gave me a cocktail of migraine meds as per usual, ordered it. First doctor in 20 years or more. The only thing that had changed was I was getting bad neck pain, and my left side was still pins/needles.

Once diagnosed I was given surgery date on the phone for March 13 or whatever it was. The day before that surgery covid shut the world down. Including my surgery. Took way too long for the surgeon to reschedule or even call me back. Finally he ordered a MRI of my spine, had that done (which was a huge ordeal with the tech). After the results came back that my brain was now like 10mm into my spine instead of 6, he decided that he wanted more tests done. Something about a blood patch. When I called his receptionist to question why it hadn't been scheduled, she had no record of him requesting it. My husband was with me that day so he knows what was said. Plus he was on the 2nd call about the rescheduled surgery for October 2020. I get too confused sometimes. In October saw him in person and was expecting to fill out more paperwork for the decompsurgery, but was told by the same surgeon (he's a spinal surgeon not neurosurgeon) that HE felt that to go into surgery was too risky for HIM during that 2nd lockdown. We left the office, and he told me he would look into safe way to do it. Umm I'm the one who would have the back of my skull open not him, but okay. He called me Dec 23rd 2020 to tell me "he agrees to do the surgery, he guesses sometime in 2021". Like he's doing me some favour.

In the meantime I have my neurologist appointment and he tells me I'm going blind, losing my ability to use my hands/feet and am one sneeze away from bring paralyzed. He tells me to get second opinion on surgeon but in Hamilton.

My family doctor gets a referral for me to see Dr.Q (I don't remember his name right now) in Hamilton (45 mins away) but cause of another lockdown it will be a video call. The call was like in Jan or Feb 2021. It goes great. He understands everything I'm going threw, has done the surgery many times back in Boston and had been brought to Canada because of his work. We schedule surgery for March. Tells me I'll have to be in hospital 10 days if everything goes smooth. That I'll go home in a hard collar (at my expense) and could very in ICU 2 or 3 days. Then boom round 4 or 5 of covid hits. Again gets pushed. But his receptionist calls to say that he's gone out of town unexpectedly and she'll call when he's back. Then a month or two goes by and I get told he's actually not coming back and closed his practice. WTF.

I get referred to another surgeon. More wait time. In the meantime STILL nothing from the first guy here in Kitchener. I start to wonder if I should be going back to him when the 3rd surgeon s office calls to say he can't do my surgery cause a)no beds for me because Kitchener needed beds so they sent them there and b)I'm now 22mm herniated and he isn't qualified to do it. They tell me that a Dr.Wang is the best and will call.

Now keep all this in mind, that I've gone every day for 5 years in complete pain with head and neck. On one opioid after the other, tonnes of medical Marijuana, injections in my head and neck twice weekly. I've tried acupuncture, chiropractor, massage therapy, hot stones, acupuncture with fire, the botox needles, only to be told I have this chiari.

I finally get my in person appointment for Nov 2021 with Dr.Wang, but when we get there he's in Emergency surgery and I have to see his assistant (who was super nice). I tell him this exact story he tells me Dr.Q left cause he had to have brain surgery!!! So dodged a bullet there. I signed paperwork, went threw all the procedure, and was told what to expect. Much more pain after and during recovery but it will be worth it in the end. Not a cure and I might need surgery many times to get relief over the years. Tells me he will call in 2 months, to hang in there and promised me they will get it done. Now he's on holidays till next week. Then I'm sure I'll be going in. Last call I was told first week of March.

Oh I did end up firing the guy in town. He couldn't even remember half the things he said he was going to do. I wrote it all down in my book and he still had no clue. I told his receptionist I felt sorry for her because he kept blaming her. Urgh.

I'll get the decompression surgery when the time is right. Dr. Wong was sent to me from my mom. As frustrating as it's been, it will all be for a reason. But I'm also scared of it all. If you Google him you can see how brilliant he is but also he did Surgeries with the patient being awake. Umm no thanks!

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Heres part of a page from my sketchbook , my drawing is a bit smudged and Joe's hair and tattoo could use a hell of a lot of work (as could my drawing skills in general lol) but theres something very important about this page of my sketchbook.

Heres some backstory:

I had my 3 monthly psychiatrist review last month. All I'm diagnosed with is OCD , Anxiety and depression as well as a tic disorder - Tourette syndrome which does effect my mental health more than someone would normally think. I was referred to this psychiatrist by the Child mental health service in my area upon turning 18 (I'm 20 now) I originally was referred to mental health services for self harming, panic attacks and my tic disorder which at the time was undiagnosed and my gp had no idea what to do about it , thought it was probably anxiety (that's a common theme every time I go to the doctors LOL)

I've been seeing some form of psychiatrist since I was about 12 in all that time I've only briefly mentioned my constant desire to daydream on a couple of occasions , and back when I did I refused to talk in detail mainly because I was ashamed and partly because I have great difficulty explaining things to people . Even my art therapist didnt manage to get a doodle of my daydreams out of me , although at the time I was just a kid , what did it matter , I'd grow out of it.

Or not. I've been conflicted about coming out about my MaDD as even though I know my relationship with daydreaming isn't the world's healthiest one, I have very little desire to stop daydreaming , my life feels so empty without it. After all , my paras have been my best freinds for so long. My inner world an amazing paradise, an escape from life built just for me.

However this appointment was different. I always take my mum to my appointments as a sort of advocate as I really struggle with the talking bit. I've gotten much better recently but still tend to keep quiet about things as I get too choked up to talk properly.

To this appointment I bought my sketchbook as I knew I wanted to talk about my constant urges to daydream , I didnt know how but I thought this crappy sketch of Joe , one of my first paras.

In the waiting room I showed my mum my sketchbook as shes one of the only people I can even think about starting to tell her these things. I still keep a lot of it a secret .

Once in the actual appointment I wasnt sure I was ready to say anything , once again it was a new psychiatrist, although probably one of the nicest I've met, I really hope he stays this time. He asked how I was doing and I didnt really say a lot , I think I spoke a bit about my mood and stuff , and a little about history and stuff. Mum eventually pushed me to show him my sketchbook. I was reluctant and very embarrassed for some reason , but I knew I couldn't turn back . I showed him this sketch of Joe , I mean theres not much in the sketchbook apart from an old character profile of Vlad , that could really use some tweaking and a self portrait and some other drawing exercises and some very messy alchohol and water based marker swatches.

I felt ridiculously embarrassed afterwards because Joe's profile underneath is pretty cringey. Although maybe it's not, maybe that's just what this horrible cringe culture we have on the modern internet has taught me. At the end of the day yes this dude is an androgynous disabled witch , an oc that a 14 year old with a slight interest in character diversity could make , But hes also got a very important role in my life.

Anyway , it felt so freeing to finally tell someone . Daydreaming makes up such a big portion of my life it's been lonely to not be able to share it with anyone. What I really want is someone who I can be comfortable enough to share this all with , every little bit , and for them not to judge me like I judge myself. I dont know if it's possible. But I guess starting this blog was my first step to being more open about the universe behind my eyes.

Since then I had a bit of a moment when I think I realised part of the reason for all this.

Besides the psychiatrist saying that this can be an uncommon manifestation of Obsessive compulsive disorder ( the compulsive desire to daydream , and daydreams that become almost intrusive to every day life) , I realised during my mum having her almost weekly " IM DONE WITH YOU, GET OUT " rant to my dad after he once again acted like an ungrateful peice of shit. That I feel as if theyve been fighting since I can remember . Yeah yeah I know mum , you're not arguing you're just talking, whatever you say .

I dont want to blame my parents for my life issues because that would make me an exact carbon copy of my dad. I mean I've had everything. I dont want to be ungrateful. But I guess the constant nagging at each other doesn't help things. I mean this stuff is probably more common than I think. I need to remember that you dont have to have been through the worlds worst trauma to have some mental health quirks. I guess I just compare myself a lot to other people who've had it worse than me.

Alas , comparing myself to others helps no one , and I'm sorry for being negative. I guess I just have to do what my dad will not do. Put the past behind him. And not dwell on it too much . It is what it is at the end of the day.

Overall , positive steps have been made, even if I still am struggling a little with anxiety at the moment , I'm still managing things . Mainly because of the daydreaming I must admit . It really does help me cope. Even if I am a little lost in it all sometimes.